Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

A Beautiful Connection

Wednesday, May 16th, 2012

Suzanne and I have been meditating together almost every morning for many years.  It is a constant connection we make with each other during our daily practice.  It does not get static.  It does not get old.  It remains a source of many new, interesting and refreshing insights into our lives with each other.  Here’s an example that happened just yesterday.

We have a meditation room in our house where we go to meditate or to find a quiet place for any number of reasons.  When we meditate, I sit in a comfortable high-backed chair and Suzanne will sit on the floor or on our futon on the other side of the room opposite my chair.  Yesterday we wanted to both listen to a guided meditation that Suzanne had on her iPod.  I moved across to sit next to her on the futon so we could both listen comfortably to the recording through our own earphones.

This was very different for me.  This was the first time that we had ever sat side by side during meditation at home.  We were close enough to each other that I gently moved my hand into contact with her thigh as we listened.  I was conscious of her warmth.  I felt a closer connection to her aliveness than I had ever felt before.  It was a direct flow of love between us.  I felt soothed, happy, and energized all at once. The feelings were delicious.  I savored the experience.

I opened my eyes once and noticed that we were both facing the window that looked out on the newly green trees out front and the blue sky beyond.  The joy that I felt at that moment was intensified by the luscious flow of energy that we were sharing in our practice.  I had an insight then and there that blew me away.

Suzanne and I are both inspired and delighted by the beauty in nature, especially when we see, hear, smell, and feel it in our everyday experiences right outside our front door.  We often note on our morning walk or bike ride through the shaded lanes along the shoreline of Lake Monona how lucky we are to live in such beauty here in Madison.  On mild quiet nights we are grateful for the beauty of the sunset and subsequent star-filled sky reflecting on the still waters of the lake.  How fortunate we are to be here together.  It feels right.  It feels good.

But yesterday morning sitting close beside Suzanne as we meditated together, I realized the connection between the beauty of nature and the beauty that is my relationship and connection with my soulmate.  I decided in that instant that it would be forever impossible to witness the beauty of the universe without seeing in my mind’s eye, heart and soul the beauty of my Suzanne.  Every time.  Ah, how wonderful!

FROM:  Steve Kilkus

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Time to stop wasting time….and appreciate this precious life.

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

While working with my book keeper, Coleen, this morning I was reminded again how important it is to ask for help when we need it or when we recognize that to do a task would be a waste of our precious time and precious life. To be truthful, in the past I’ve wasted a lot of my precious time trying to do something I just didn’t have enough information/capability/talent to do, but thinking that I should be able to do it because….I’m smart, I can do other tasks, I’ve done difficult things before…. Or because I tell myself that I have more time than money.

Do you find yourself with these kind of thoughts….and then take these kind of actions….the time wasting actions?

To those of us in midlife and beyond, it’s important that we face the truth about how precious our time and life energy is. And unless I spend it on things that I really want to be doing or learn how to do, I need to carefully consider either getting help or letting the activity go. There are a few questions I ask myself in order to decide – sort out what I do or don’t do – I call them the “sort” questions. Here they are:

Does this task use my creative genius energy? This category involves what I do best, what I lose my sense of time doing, what I gain a deep sense of satisfaction from. Gay Hendricks, in “The Big Leap” identifies 4 categories that we all need to know about in ourselves. They are our Genius, our Excellence, our Sufficient, and our Incompetent. The idea Gay develops is that we want to be spending the majority of our time in our genius and our excellence, smaller amounts in our sufficient and none at all in our incompetent where time is wasted. (I thought about it this morning while working with my bookkeeper because I am incompetent at keeping my QuickBooks and am so glad that she does an excellent job at it for my tax preparer. Money used to pay for these services is well spent and frees my time for creating workshops, writing, networking, planning other creative projects, and other income generating activities.)

Is this something I really want to do, like to do, enjoy doing? In this category are tasks that make my personal life and relationships harmonious like making myself a great pot of soup or writing notes or emails to friends and family, caring for my grandchildren plus the enjoyable activities of my professional and work life.

Is this activity something that will make my daily life easier with just a few minutes of attention? This includes organizing – my desk, my emails, my space – for the day?

In doing this activity will I learn something I want to learn or need to learn to serve my life and those I love? This can be a trickier category as there might be a learning curve with some difficulty that might look like incompetence. For example, learning something new in my Windows 7 program that makes my writing activity easier would fall into this category.

There probably are some other questions that you use to help yourself do this. I just want to make sure that you consider the importance of doing it. At the end of one of my favorite “reminder” poems – the kind of poem that reminds me how to live – Ezra Bayda says “

And when the veil of separation rises,
Life simply unfolds as it will.
No longer caught in the self-centered dream,
We can give ourselves to others,
Like a white bird in the snow.

Time is fleeting.
Don’t hold back.
Appreciate this precious life.

Posted in Aging, Grandparenting, Mid-Life, Relationship, Retirement | No Comments »

When “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough!

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

FROM:  Suzanne & Steve

We would like to pass along some very important communication advice.  In a happy, healthy, conscious relationship sometimes “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough to resolve a hurt.  At times it just seems “too easy” and can even sound trite and insincere.  So our good friends and mentors, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of the classic relationship manual “Conscious Loving,” suggest the following:

Ten Communications that Heal Relationship Conflict(note that none are “I’m sorry” or “I love you”)

1. I appreciate you for ___.  

2. I’m scared that ________.  

3. Even though I’m convinced I’m right, I could be wrong about _______.  

4. I’m thinking that what’s missing from our lives is _____________.  

5. I’m sad about my actions and loving connection with you.  

6. It sounds as if you are saying _____.  

7. This reminds me of ___.  

8. What I really want is __. 

9. What can I learn from this?  

10. Thank you for _____. 

Try these when “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem like enough to resolve a hurt.  Your relationship will grow closer and happier as a result.

 

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2 Great Workshops–3 Great People!

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

FROM:  Steve

Suzanne and I just returned from two fabulous weekend workshop/retreats.  We learned a lot and will be using what we learned in our public teachings as well as our personal lives.  Instead of trying to summarize what we brought home with us, I want to tell you how you can find out more about this stuff yourself and introduce you to three people who are influential in our own personal and professional lives.

First, we ventured out to Ventura, California, March 19-21, to have fun with our long-time friends and mentors, Gay and Katie Hendricks.  What we know and teach about relationships has been sparked and nurtured by their teachings and personal example.  We met them for the first time back in the early 1990’s and they continue to develop and teach the finest ideas and activities to make our relationships the most fun possible.  They have just created the Couples Catalyst process by which we can learn who we are and what we want by focusing on how we do our personal relationships.  We learned this time how our happy, healthy relationship with each other can become a “manifestation magnet” for both of us to bring what we most want into our lives (including riches of all kinds!).  In addition we learned how to light up our lives to serve as a powerful “beacon of inspiration” to everyone around us.  Our time together was fun as well as enlightening.  Watch for more info here about what we learned. 

But if you want a head start go to www.hendricks.com to learn more about their wonderful lives and work.  You will not be disappointed!!

Secondly, this past weekend we found ourselves in the profound presence of another superb teacher at a three day retreat here in Madison, WI.  Flint Sparks, a PhD Clinical Psychologist and Zen Buddhist priest, has been coming to Madison during the spring for the past 7 years.  He is special.  The focus of this session was Clear Care, an idea that the Buddha called Appamada.  Actually tradition identifies this as the last word that the Buddha uttered before he died.

“The practice of Apppamada, of taking care, is to be continually aware.  Then instead of consciousness being just a series of moments separated by gulfs of unconsciousness that constitute our day, our lives become more and more present, alert, attentive, here, mindful, rather than the opposite.”  

Flint teaches with the aid of superb poetry by the likes of Mary Oliver and David Whyte.  He uses gentle but powerful activities to allow our attention to be drawn to what rattles around in us that needs to be calmed.  Attendees often refer to time spent with Flint as “game-changing” in their lives.  Every minute is worthwhile.

I want to introduce you to Flint and to learn more about him by going to his two websites: www.flintsparks.com and www.appamada.org   

Have fun!!

Posted in Health, Relationship | No Comments »

Take Charge of Your Relationship in Six Co-Commitments

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

FROM:  Steve & Suzanne

Are you in an intimate relationship with another person?  How is it going?  Are you doing everything you can to make it successful and satisfying?  Or do you worry about it?  Do you worry about how your partner feels and what he/she thinks, wants and cares about?  Can you do anything about it?  Well, we like to think that we can, but most of time we really can’t.   If our partner does not choose to tell us what’s going on then what can we do?  Well, here’s what YOU can do!  YOU can take charge of your relationship.  After all, YOU are the ONLY person you can control.  Really, you cannot control your partner’s behavior, right!?  You know that already, don’t you?  If not then believe us, it’s true.  So let’s focus on what YOU can do to make your relationship happy and healthy and as much fun as you can stand!

Here is a list of 6 co-commitments that contribute to a happy, healthy, conscious relationship.  Try these on for size and fit! 

1. I commit to closeness and to clearing up anything in the way of creating it.

2. I commit to my own complete development as a person.

3. I commit to supporting the full development of people around me.

4. I commit to being fully responsible for my life and experiences.

5. I commit to revealing myself, rather than concealing myself.

6. I commit to being happy and to have a good time in all my relationships.

Do you find yourself breathing a little faster as you read these?  That’s not unusal because these appear to be radical ideas, yes?  Well, if you can commit to these behaviors then you are definitely on your way to a happy, healthy, conscious relationship.  Think about it!

Now,  here is another radical idea.  Notice that we call these “CO-commitments.”  You might think that we want you to make these commitments to your partner (and vice-versa).  No, we want you to make these commitments to YOURSELF!  Say them one at a time to yourself and feel the feelings that arise when you do.  Can you commit to these behaviors in yourself?  And by commit we mean are you willing to work at making them true for you.  If and when you can, then find a partner who is willing to make the same commitments to himself or herself.  The goal is to be in a co-committed relationship.  That is where happiness lies.

Sound like an overwhelming task?  Is something like this even possible?  We say “ABSOLUTELY YES!”  We know because we live in such a happy, healthy, conscious, co-committed relationship.  We decided over 20 years ago to commit to this kind of relationship and we continue to work at it every day.  It is lovely!  And great fun!!

We are also committed to helping other people who want what we have.  Let us know if you would like us to help you.  Or check back here often.  We will write more about what you found here today.  Take care and be well. 

(GRATEFUL NOTE:  The 6 co-commitments are adapted from the work of Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks, our mentors and friends)

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