When “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough!

FROM:  Suzanne & Steve

We would like to pass along some very important communication advice.  In a happy, healthy, conscious relationship sometimes “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough to resolve a hurt.  At times it just seems “too easy” and can even sound trite and insincere.  So our good friends and mentors, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of the classic relationship manual “Conscious Loving,” suggest the following:

Ten Communications that Heal Relationship Conflict(note that none are “I’m sorry” or “I love you”)

1. I appreciate you for ___.  

2. I’m scared that ________.  

3. Even though I’m convinced I’m right, I could be wrong about _______.  

4. I’m thinking that what’s missing from our lives is _____________.  

5. I’m sad about my actions and loving connection with you.  

6. It sounds as if you are saying _____.  

7. This reminds me of ___.  

8. What I really want is __. 

9. What can I learn from this?  

10. Thank you for _____. 

Try these when “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem like enough to resolve a hurt.  Your relationship will grow closer and happier as a result.

 

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An Evolutionary Life!

FROM:  Steve & Suzanne

Here is a quote from the American visionary thinker and pioneer of evolutionary enlightenment, Andrew Cohen.  This speaks to us at this time in our lives and we want to share it with you.  Namaste!

What motivates us to make the important choices that we make? Are these choices informed by the deepest insights and the highest perspectives that we have seen? Or are these choices driven by conditioned impulses or unquestioned “shoulds” that we’ve unconsciously absorbed from the unenlightened world around us? If the choices we make are motivated by anything less than the very highest part of ourselves, we will always, at some level, experience a sense of unease, as if something is wrong that we can’t quite grasp. Unless the important choices that we make are in alignment with the highest we have seen, reaching towards our own edge, we will always be spiritually dissatisfied. We will not feel whole.

 But when this changes in a dramatic way, when the important choices we make become a genuine reflection of our own deepest and highest knowing, then we’re going to experience what it means to be alive in a completely new way. We’ll be living at our own edge. In fact, we’re going to have to run just to keep up with that edge. Once we’ve made the choice to align with our own higher but as yet unmanifest potentials, undoubtedly we will become even more painfully aware of the many parts of ourselves that are very far from that edge. So we are going to have to spend most of our time doing all we can just to catch up with our own extraordinary potential. But that’s what it means to live a truly evolutionary life. It’s the ultimate challenge and the biggest thrill that there is—always living on that edge. 

Posted in Aging, Health, Mid-Life | No Comments »

Rare Recommendation!

FROM:  Steve

I’m going to do something today that I generally don’t do!  I am going to recommend a magazine that I have found very informative and helpful as I travel the road from midlife and beyond.  I recommend it because it is easy to read (mostly short, entertaining articles), specific to my needs as I grow older and wiser,  generally apolitical (other than being supportive of people like me), and just all around interesting!! 

AARP: The Magazine, a hip, glossy monthly,  is filled with genuinely useful, up-to-date, vital information that captures the essence of the variety of opportunities and lifestyles available to us as we grow older in what seems to be an ever more complex society.  I like it because it alerts me to things I think I should know to live a longer, happier, healthier life.  It also shows me how other people are doing it!    I like that!

The magazine came as a perk when I joined AARP, an organization targeted to people 50 and over.  I remember when I was first approached (by mail) to join the organization back when I was 50.  Still being middle-aged and nowhere near retirement, I chuckled to myself and trashed the mailing without even opening it!  Perhaps you did the same thing!?  I’m turning 63 next month and I wish that I had opened that initial mailing and taken the time to read some of the material.  The time taken then would have been useful in perhaps helping me pay attention to the inivitable a bit sooner!  There was information there about health, finances, relationships, law, travel, politics, etc. that I could have used sooner in my last 13 years.

It only costs $16 to join for a year (with significant discounts for longer term subscriptions).  The magazine in itself is worth the cost.  But in addition I get another monthly publication called the AARP Bulletin that is chock full of additional useful information.  And for those of us that like to surf around in cyberspace, I have unlimited access to AARP.org (included in the $16 fee) which looks like it contains all the information I need to navigate my future.  And if it isn’t right there at my fingertips, I can find numerous links and references telling me where I can go to have my questions answered!  What a deal!! 

So if you are really serious about making the rest of your life the best of your life, click on over to www.aarp.org and do a little exploring.  Follow the directions to join up.   Then look forward to getting the magazine and be as surprised and delighted as I am ever time I do!

Posted in Aging, Mid-Life, Retirement | No Comments »

What a great idea!!??

FROM:  Steve   :)   With tongue planted firmly in cheek!!  :)

No nursing home for us. I am checking into the Holiday Inn! 
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. 

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night.   That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.  Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. 

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. 

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.   

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.   And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.  Want to see Hawaii ?  They have a Holiday Inn there too. 

TV broken?  Light bulb need changing?  Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.  

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.   If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days of mini-vacation.  The grand kids can use the pool. 
What more can you ask for?

 So, when we reach that golden age, 
We’ll face it with a grin. 
Just forward all our email to:     
HOLIDAY INN

*******************************

ITS NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT,
ITS THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS!

:)     Keep Smilin’   :)

Posted in Aging, Retirement | 1 Comment »

2 Great Workshops–3 Great People!

FROM:  Steve

Suzanne and I just returned from two fabulous weekend workshop/retreats.  We learned a lot and will be using what we learned in our public teachings as well as our personal lives.  Instead of trying to summarize what we brought home with us, I want to tell you how you can find out more about this stuff yourself and introduce you to three people who are influential in our own personal and professional lives.

First, we ventured out to Ventura, California, March 19-21, to have fun with our long-time friends and mentors, Gay and Katie Hendricks.  What we know and teach about relationships has been sparked and nurtured by their teachings and personal example.  We met them for the first time back in the early 1990’s and they continue to develop and teach the finest ideas and activities to make our relationships the most fun possible.  They have just created the Couples Catalyst process by which we can learn who we are and what we want by focusing on how we do our personal relationships.  We learned this time how our happy, healthy relationship with each other can become a “manifestation magnet” for both of us to bring what we most want into our lives (including riches of all kinds!).  In addition we learned how to light up our lives to serve as a powerful “beacon of inspiration” to everyone around us.  Our time together was fun as well as enlightening.  Watch for more info here about what we learned. 

But if you want a head start go to www.hendricks.com to learn more about their wonderful lives and work.  You will not be disappointed!!

Secondly, this past weekend we found ourselves in the profound presence of another superb teacher at a three day retreat here in Madison, WI.  Flint Sparks, a PhD Clinical Psychologist and Zen Buddhist priest, has been coming to Madison during the spring for the past 7 years.  He is special.  The focus of this session was Clear Care, an idea that the Buddha called Appamada.  Actually tradition identifies this as the last word that the Buddha uttered before he died.

“The practice of Apppamada, of taking care, is to be continually aware.  Then instead of consciousness being just a series of moments separated by gulfs of unconsciousness that constitute our day, our lives become more and more present, alert, attentive, here, mindful, rather than the opposite.”  

Flint teaches with the aid of superb poetry by the likes of Mary Oliver and David Whyte.  He uses gentle but powerful activities to allow our attention to be drawn to what rattles around in us that needs to be calmed.  Attendees often refer to time spent with Flint as “game-changing” in their lives.  Every minute is worthwhile.

I want to introduce you to Flint and to learn more about him by going to his two websites: www.flintsparks.com and www.appamada.org   

Have fun!!

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Vitamin D Can Reduce Heart Disease and Diabetes in Older People!!

FROM: Steve

Here is some cutting-edge health news.  You will be hearing a lot more about Vitamin D in the future as an alternative to taking expensive and potentially dangerous drugs.  Keep your eyes peeled for more information like this.

Middle aged and elderly people with higher levels of vitamin D could reduce their chances of developing heart disease or diabetes by 43%, according to researchers at the University of Warwick (England).   A team of researchers at Warwick Medical School carried out a scientific review of studies examining vitamin D and cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome (also known as syndrome X).

Vitamin D is a fat-soluble vitamin that is naturally present in foods like fortified milk and fish such as salmon, tuna and mackerel.  It is also produced when ultraviolet rays from sunlight strike the skin and trigger vitamin D synthesis. And finally it is also available as a dietary supplement.

Researchers looked at 28 studies including 99,745 participants across a variety of ethnic groups including men and women. The studies revealed that higher levels of Vitamin D resulted in a lower risk of developing cardiovascular disease (33% lower), type 2 diabetes (55% lower) and metabolic syndrome (51% lower). 

The review, published in the journal Maturitas, was led by Johanna Parker and Dr Oscar Franco, Assistant Professor in Public Health at Warwick Medical School.

Dr Franco said: “We found that high levels of vitamin D among middle age and elderly populations are associated with a substantial decrease in cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome.  Targeting vitamin D deficiency in adult populations could potentially slow the current epidemics of such disorders.”

This study is especially important for those of us in midlife and beyond.  Denise Houston, PhD, RD, assistant professor of gerontology and geriatric medicine at Wake Forest University School of Medicine in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, who has done extensive research on vitamin D and the elderly believes that even those living in Florida and Hawaii, where sunshine is abundant year-round, often are deficient. She offers several reasons why this is so. With age, the skin’s ability to make vitamin D is reduced — in fact, older adults produce only about one-quarter the amount of vitamin D from the sun as do younger people.  Also, older people are often less likely to spend time outdoors in the sun and many wear long sleeves (and use sunscreen) when they do go out, she said.

Few people get sufficient Vitamin D from their diet. Dr. Houston an easy and sure way to get enough is to supplement with Vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol), the more active form of the vitamin. She recommends that people age 50 or older take a daily supplement containing from 1000 to 2000 IU of vitamin D3.

Suzanne and I both supplement our diets with extra Vitamin D and feel GREAT!

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Midlife and Beyond: Change vs. Transition

FROM:  Suzanne & Steve

There is no doubt that we face changes when we get to midlife and beyond.  What was once known as “retirement age” seemed to be the watermark for the changes of growing older.  But nowadays changes related to aging and health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) can happen earlier or much later.  And it is best to be aware, if not actually prepared for whatever happens.

In his book, Managing Transitions, William Bridges distinguishes between “change,” which he describes as external and public, and “transition,” which is internal, private, and psychological.  He claims that change is relatively easy but transitions are more difficult and emotionally demanding.  He states “Transition is the psychological process people go through to come to terms with the new situation….and, it is these interior processes of learning and adaptation—not the external facts of change—that are underestimated and can be treacherous to one’s health and happiness.”

Bridges claims that in our highly mobile society, where change and ambition are considered coin of the realm, people fail to recognize that any transition process—in life, in love, in work—not only requires adapting to a new situation, but it means letting go of old habits. 

If we take traditional retirement as an example, there is a distinct “ending” followed by a challenging “neutral zone,” a kind of no-man’s-land between the old reality and the new where a person wrestles with issues of personal and professional identity.  How a person manages the fears and inhibitions, the ambivalence and ambiguities of this period determines how healthy, happy, and productive the “new beginning” that the rest of one’s life will be.

 Take care with the transitions of midlife and beyond to make the rest of one’s life the best of one’s life!

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RETIREMENT 2: Taking Care of One’s Self

FROM: Steve

In my last blog I told you the story of my Dad and his dreams of retirement—what “retirement” meant to his generation.  But let me tell you the rest of the story. 

For years my Dad relished the thought of his retirement.  But unfortunately he did not take care of himself very well.  He did a lot of hard workin’ along the way, but he did a lot of hard drinkin’, smokin’ and eatin’ too with large amounts of sedentary TV watching in between.  I remember during his 65th year he was counting down the days left until his birthday—his retirement day!  And then the big day came.  He said good-by to his friends and returned home from work for the last time.  Ten days later he suffered a stroke and died.

To say the least my Dad was not prepared for retirement.  I don’t begrudge him his dreams of a “life of leisure” but the changes caught him unaware.  Two hundred and fifty years ago the Greek historian, Herodotus, warned us that “Illness strikes men when they are exposed to change.”  The “change” of retirement struck my Dad like a Mack truck! 

So now, I am 63 and am looking forward to living longer than my father.  I actually have been preparing for many years.  What am I doing to avoid the tragedy that he suffered? 

  1.  As I mentioned in the previous blog (Retirement 1: To retire or NOT to retire, that is the question?) I don’t intend to “retire.”  I am only 63 and I intend to “Live and full, happy, healthy life until I’m 100.”  I intend to keep busy everyday with fun, fulfilling, and mentally challenging activities.
  2. I intend to be physically active and fit (see my blog 3 Steps to Fitness!).
  3. I intend to eat a heathy, well-balanced diet every day.  I recommend any of these three eating plans (find them on the internet): 1. The Mediterranean Diet; 2. The DASH Diet; or 3. The Zone Diet.   
  4. I intend to deal with daily stress by practicing periods of Conscious Breathing and the Relaxation Response (Meditation).  See previous blogs Take a Deep Breath and Take a Deep Breath 2.
  5. I intend to continue cultivating happy, healthy Conscious Relationships with my wife, Suzanne, and all those around me.  See previous blog Take Charge of Your Relationship in Six Co-Commitments.

So these are some of the activities that you can do to take care of yourself and make the rest of your life the best of your life!

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RETIREMENT 1: To retire or NOT to retire, that is the question?

FROM:  Steve

So you’re approaching 65 and you’re wondering “Retirement?  What the heck is that all about?”  Well, if you’re like me and have changed careers and/or jobs several times throughout your adult life, retirement is not as promising as it was once thought to be. 

I remember growing up in the late 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s listening to my father and my uncles talk about retiring when they got to be 65 and dreaming of leisure time to do anything but the back-breaking work they did in the factories day after day after day (and nights sometime).  They were amassing pensions and social security payments that were going to guarantee never having to work again.  Working for 45 years for the same employer assured my Dad that a steady income would continue from his 65th birthday until his passing sometime after.  He was “in like flint.” 

 I did not have the opportunity to earn a pension.  I changed careers and jobs and moved several times over the years.  That seemed to be the norm.   In fact, as the decades went by through the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s the idea of “pension” itself disappeared from the workplace (and in some cases so did the actual money—remember Enron?).   So pensions seem to be “out” and the future value of Social Security continues to be debated as well as diminished.  So the opportunity for a “life of leisure” realistically has all but disappeared for many of us. 

 But I enjoy what I am doing for work these days and I’m not sure I want to stop.  I feel challenged, fulfilled, happy.  I continue to have fun doing what I am doing.  I am happy and healthy and that is a pretty fine place to be.  So like a lot of you I think I’m going to hold off on dreams of “retirement.”  Life is good and besides there is a lot of recent research on aging that shows that keeping active every day is beneficial to one’s health, happiness, and longevity.  Let’s get on with it!!

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Take a Deep Breath 2

FROM:  Steve

Here is another piece of helpful information about how to live a happy, healthy life.  The other morning when I sat down to spend a few minutes in quiet meditation I found myself  having some worry thoughts, particularly about money and my lack thereof.  These triggered some nagging feelings of fear and were pretty uncomfortable.  Sometimes they are pretty hard to get rid of.  Does this sound familiar to you? 

Well, when I do  my morning meditation I usually start with a few minutes of slow deep breathing.  I did so that morning and found that the worry thoughts and feelings of fear went away!  I found this interesting and rather surprising.  In fact, I played with this for a few moments.  I felt the fear begin to return when I stopped concentrating on slowing my breath and then fade away again when I returned to the slow conscious breathing.  This was pretty dramatic.  Now I had been aware that whenever I get agitated or afraid that my breathing gets faster and shallower and that just adds to the stressful feelings.  And then it dawned on me that when I consciously slow down and take deeper breaths, my bodymind starts to relax and I feel better.  I can actually do something to make the anxiety and fear go away! 

Do you have worry thoughts that lead to fear feelings that “bring you down” for however long you let them?  Well, here is something that you can do to take charge of the situation. 

TAKE SOME SLOW, DEEP BREATHS!

You will find that fearful thoughts are incompatible with deep breathing.  Fritz Perls, the famous psychotherapist who developed gestalt therapy, said “Fear is excitement without the breath.”   In fact, have you noticed that when you are afraid that many times you find yourself actually stopping breathing– holding your breath?  The best thing you can do to ease the stress is start breathing again and try to take slow, deep breaths and you will notice a shift.  Your bodymind will release the fear and you may remain with a feeling of excitement which is just an increased state of awareness, but unburdened by fear.

So whenever you feel anxious or fearful or panicky and you notice your breathing getting faster and shallower (high in your chest), consciously slow your breathing down and let the breath fill your lower chest and belly fully like water filling a vase.   Notice how your feelings and even your thoughts “slow down” and begin to shift to something else, something that feels better and allows you to think more clearly (your brain & body are getting more oxygen).  Things don’t look so scary or stressful anymore.  Keep up the slow, deep breathing for as long as you need to and get on with your life–happier and healthier!!

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